This is a great article done by Forbes contributor, Jeff Lander: Here is the original
In helping women navigate financially-complex divorces, I often consult
with wives who are in a kind of “separation limbo.” They’re living apart
from their husbands, and no one appears in any hurry to file for
divorce. These separations seem to have no end (either reconciliation or
divorce) in sight, and they haven’t been made official in any legal
sense. Now, I’m not talking about a few weeks to rebound after an
intense argument, or even a few months to get perspective on the
relationship. I’m talking about separations that last a year, two years
or even longer.
On one hand, I can appreciate how a situation like this arises. Over
time, you and your spouse become resigned to your incompatibility, but
have the means to live apart within your legal marriage. Living
separately didn’t begin on any date you can pinpoint
– it just sort of evolved, as you spent more and more time apart. Years
go by, and living separately can seem like the path of least
resistance. By just drifting apart, you might avoid a lot of upheaval,
unpleasantness and turmoil in the short-run.
However, it’s the long-run that concerns me. And to be frank, I think
it should concern you, too. Why? Because without a formal legal
agreement that defines its terms, long-term separation can be a recipe
for financial disaster.
Here are ten reasons women need to be wary of long-term separations:
1. You have no control over how your husband is managing marital assets.
If you are living apart, then you can be totally out-of-the-loop
financially. You don’t know what your husband is earning, spending,
investing, selling or buying. And, if you live in a Community Property
state and he’s getting into debt during your long separation, guess
what? So are you. In Equitable Distribution states, this may only be
true if it’s joint debt – e.g. joint credit cards.
2. Long-term separation provides a perfect opportunity for him to hide assets.
While you may see no urgent need to put a legal end to your marriage,
your husband could be planning for exactly that. He could easily use
your time apart to make sure that certain assets are conveniently
unavailable when it finally does come time to negotiate a divorce
settlement agreement. A long separation makes it easy to miss important signs that your husband may be hiding marital assets.
3. If your husband’s circumstances change, your eventual settlement could be much less.
Your divorce settlement will be based, in part, on the current
financial circumstances. If your husband loses his job, becomes ill,
goes on disability or experiences other changes during your prolonged
separation, the amount of alimony and child support you could expect to
receive could be significantly impacted.
4. Your husband could move out of state . . . or even out of the country.
Laws governing virtually all aspects of the divorce process vary
significantly from one state to another. Many states have passed severe
limitations on the amount and duration of alimony that judges can award.
During a long-term separation, your husband could move to a state which
has enacted such laws, and have plenty of time to establish residency
there. (Most states only require 6-12 months of residency to file for
divorce.) Worse still, he could move overseas, making for any number of dreadful legal tangles.
5. Alimony laws could change in your own state.
Your husband might not need to move to find alimony laws more favorable to him. Check what’s going on in your own state. Alimony “reform” measures have
been gaining momentum in state legislatures across the country, and for
the most part, this hasn’t been good news for divorcing women.
6. You (or he) could meet someone new.
While it may contribute to your happy, fulfilling future, entering
into a new relationship while you are still legally married will not
help your divorce settlement negotiations. And remember: If he is in a
new relationship, he might be dissipating marital assets by buying his
girlfriend gifts, taking her to expensive restaurants and posh vacation
resorts or actually supporting her.
7. Your standard of living could be lower.
During a long separation, you may be forced to lower your living
standards. This could make it more difficult to get alimony based on
your previous marital lifestyle. If you’ve been making do with less,
your husband can argue that you obviously don’t need as much to live on
as you had while you and he were together. If it’s been going on for
years, a judge is more inclined to agree.
8. If your husband gets into legal trouble with his finances, you’re likely to be liable, too.
No matter how separate your day-to-day lives become, you’re still
legally married. Without an agreement that specifies otherwise, this
means that if your husband is sued, finagles on joint tax returns or
engages in other kinds of financial misdeeds, your assets are at risk.
The implications for your financial security could be tremendous. (Note:
If he runs into trouble with the law in other ways –DUI, bank robbery,
etc. –he’s on his own!)
As Marilyn Chinitz, Partner at Blank Rome, explains, a legal separation agreement can help you mitigate some financial risk.
“Although separating certainly can have benefits, living apart from
your spouse without a formal written separation agreement can put you at
risk. If you separate, you still remain liable for your spouse’s debts
and legal issues in which they are involved notwithstanding the fact
that you are not living together,” she says. “A written separation
agreement would appropriately address those issues providing for
indemnification for example, or limiting your liability for debts
incurred by your spouse during the separation. If your spouse fails to
pay certain marital debt, because you are still married although not
living together, the creditor can seek remedies against you for the
joint debts. Informal separations without a document detailing the terms
of your separation, that is , how you will share the marital assets,
what do you do about joint credit cards, who pays maintenance and how
you will distribute assets acquired during the separation, can cause
difficulties down the road leading to litigation.”
9. Silence may be golden, but it can also be expensive.
Separations can begin amicably enough, but what happens if
communication breaks down entirely? If you are financially dependent on
your husband and don’t have a separation agreement, there’s not much to
fall back on if he stops sending checks and won’t return your calls.
Protect yourself with an agreement that gives you access to liquid
assets.
“Indeed, as time goes on, communication and cooperation with your
estranged spouse may no longer exist. Your agreement should give you
ready access to liquid assets- you may need these assets to pay bills,”
Marilyn explains. “Most importantly, if you separate without an
agreement, you may not receive your share of the marital assets acquired
which may be depleted or lost because you were unaware of how your
estranged spouse was managing the funds or marital business.”
10. Getting on with your divorce means getting on with your life.
I’m not a therapist,
and I don’t play one on T.V. But I’ve seen time and time again how,
once their divorces are finalized, women find themselves strengthened
and energized in ways they didn’t even think possible. We think of
divorce as an ending, but the new beginning it also represents is a
significant turning point for many. Even if you feel as though you
haven’t “really” been married for years, don’t underestimate the power
of making it legal.
For the full article click here
All articles/blog posts are for informational purposes only, and do
not constitute legal advice. If you require legal advice, retain a
lawyer licensed in your jurisdiction. The opinions expressed are solely
those of the author, Jeff Lander, who is not an attorney.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Divorced or See Divorce in Your Future? Let It Go.
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| My son's artwork that got recognized in an art showing last year. |
The divorce process, unfairness and injustice used to be overwhelming. Rather than vent to people how troublesome it was -- I mean, do you really care (ha) -- I have my 30 second elevator speech about it and at the end just say, "bummer," now let's move on to what I'm doing today, now and present day because THAT is way more important. I have returned to myself and am quite happy with that more. It is also way more attractive (ha ha) than hearing about the latter.
I left my ex over 4 years ago. He just wrote to me today saying I abandoned him, which is quite sad that he still does not get why one would not want to stay in a "bad" (to call it mildly) situation. "No, I left you and created a new life for me and my 3 year old son with autism. But if you want to say I abandoned you, okay. I had no choice. But of course, I did not abandon my son."
In fact, I changed my life for him, which is another story. And today, at 8 years old, my son is an awesome happy kid who has overcome the autism label, he does quite fine actually. He is in his 3rd year of football. His teachers often say, "he is such a happy boy." He is also a straight A boy with a particular interest in math. His life should not skip a beat, just because of my struggles and bad decisions. As a mother, you can re-design and reinvent yourself.
Going through attorneys, the court process and custody issues has its own set of trials and tribulations. I wish now that I had gone to law school to become an attorney and defend people like me. No one tells you the real process. The ones who make money are the attorneys, the court, forensic accountants, etc. Not that you don't need an attorney, but there are many things I learned that I hope to help you with to help save you time, money, aggravation, frustration, tears and stress.
First of all, if you can divorce and settle amicably I always encourage this for you. I tried settling many times over the years -- mine was not one of those amicable ones. In fact, when my male friends got divorced I hear, "Oh, we settled and I gave her half. It was the right thing to do. She was the mother of my child. Why doesn't he do that, I mean you gave him a son." "Yeah, I needed to divorce you!" I often reply and laugh.
One sister said, "Just because you divorce him, doesn't mean he suddenly gets better. He is the same person you knew, you two are just divorcing now." Funny and true.
It is all perspective. And there are three words that have helped me over the years, "Let it go." Just let it go.
I was in my kitchen the other night. A string of messages came in from the ex about a birthday party with false accusations about me not letting my son go on his side of the family. Rather than letting his tyranny get the better of me, I stopped and said to myself, "Lisa, you are going to have to deal with these off and on stupid moments that just are not true by him. What are you going to do?" After all, I have moved on with my life and the perspective I have gained is huge. Great things are happening to me present day and it is because of my clarity and perspective. I laugh and think: You are going to have to deal with these moments, from time to time (they have decreased now because of the steps I have taken). He is not going to take my good day away from me. I have had a wonderful weekend with my son. I look over at my son who is happy and playing with a friend. What choice do I have? Just LET IT GO. File it away. Deal with it appropriately and then move on. I cannot tell you the power in that. I encourage that for you. It works!
My blog is a place for you to share your trials and tribulations and find comfort. If you would like to share your story on my blog with my two cents worth you can always contact me anonymously and confidentially, by writing me at DivorceAhead@Gmail.com
A tip if you live in California, I encourage you to find free forms on their site: http://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-divorce.htm
In Orange County, if your case is in process with an attorney, you can always find the status of your case (without asking your attorney) at: http://www.occourts.org/
For self help, go to: http://www.occourts.org/self-help/familylaw/index.html
Lisa Caprelli
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