Divorced or See Divorce in Your Future? Let It Go.

My son's artwork that got recognized in an art showing last year.

With the statistic of 50% of marriages ending in divorce, and myself being part of that statistic, I have learned a lot over the years.  There are clearly two sides to every story and my close friends and family know the reality.  I really wanted to start over and not be in a terrible situation and household.  I had to leave a company I built with the ex together, 50/50.  I put my heart and soul into that company I built with my own funds, I marketed it, I branded his name and so on.  Yes, it was hard is an understatement of words.  The struggle to start my life over, figure out what went wrong, what did I do wrong -- at a hard economic time (2009) is something I cannot describe.  Things I had to do to save face and move on in my own way, because there was no one else to help me, especially financially.  I don't regret my decisions.  They all helped me to get clarity, purpose and meaning in my life. Which is why I have started this divorce blog.  I see others go through emotionally hard times. If there is a way I can help just one person, then my suffering, experience and struggles have had meaning.

The divorce process, unfairness and injustice used to be overwhelming. Rather than vent to people how troublesome it was -- I mean, do you really care (ha)  --  I have my 30 second elevator speech about it and at the end just say, "bummer," now let's move on to what I'm doing today, now and present day because THAT is way more important.  I have returned to myself and am quite happy with that more.  It is also way more attractive (ha ha) than hearing about the latter.


I left my ex over 4 years ago.  He just wrote to me today saying I abandoned him, which is quite sad that he still does not get why one would not want to stay in a "bad" (to call it mildly) situation.  "No, I left you and created a new life for me and my 3 year old son with autism.   But if you want to say I abandoned you, okay.  I had no choice. But of course, I did not abandon my son."   

In fact, I changed my life for him, which is another story.  And today, at 8 years old, my son is an awesome happy kid who has overcome the autism label, he does quite fine actually.  He is in his 3rd year of football.  His teachers often say, "he is such a happy boy."  He is also a straight A boy with a particular interest in math.  His life should not skip a beat, just because of my struggles and bad decisions.  As a mother, you can re-design and reinvent yourself. 


Going through attorneys, the court process and custody issues has its own set of trials and tribulations.  I wish now that I had gone to law school to become an attorney and defend people like me.  No one tells you the real process.  The ones who make money are the attorneys, the court, forensic accountants, etc.  Not that you don't need an attorney, but there are many things I learned that I hope to help you with to help save you time, money, aggravation, frustration, tears and stress.

First of all, if you can divorce and settle amicably I always encourage this for you.  I tried settling many times over the years -- mine was not one of those amicable ones.  In fact, when my male friends got divorced I hear, "Oh, we settled and I gave her half. It was the right thing to do. She was the mother of my child.  Why doesn't he do that, I mean you gave him a son."  "Yeah, I needed to divorce you!" I often reply and laugh.

One sister said, "Just because you divorce him, doesn't mean he suddenly gets better.  He is the same person you knew, you two are just divorcing now."  Funny and true.


It is all perspective.  And there are three words that have helped me over the years, "Let it go."  Just let it go.

I was in my kitchen the other night.  A string of messages came in from the ex about a birthday party with false accusations about me not letting my son go on his side of the family.  Rather than letting his tyranny get the better of me, I stopped and said to myself, "Lisa, you are going to have to deal with these off and on stupid moments that just are not true by him.  What are you going to do?" After all, I have moved on with my life and the perspective I have gained is huge.  Great things are happening to me present day and it is because of my clarity and perspective.  I laugh and think: You are going to have to deal with these moments, from time to time (they have decreased now because of the steps I have taken).  He is not going to take my good day away from me.  I have had a wonderful weekend with my son.  I look over at my son who is happy and playing with a friend.  What choice do I have?  Just LET IT GO.  File it away.  Deal with it appropriately and then move on.  I cannot tell you the power in that.  I encourage that for you. It works!

My blog is a place for you to share your trials and tribulations and find comfort.  If you would like to share your story on my blog with my two cents worth you can always contact me anonymously and confidentially, by writing me at DivorceAhead@Gmail.com

A tip if you live in California, I encourage you to find free forms on their site: http://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-divorce.htm

In Orange County, if your case is in process with an attorney, you can always find the status of your case (without asking your attorney) at: http://www.occourts.org/
For self help, go to: http://www.occourts.org/self-help/familylaw/index.html

Lisa Caprelli 

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