Breaking the Silence

I listened and watched the 16 minute TED talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner on domestic violence and I couldn't stop crying for I could not believe that there is someone out there brave enough to share her story with the world.  I can relate to this woman as a mother and a business woman.  I, too, get to work with many CEO's and great people.  Many do not know my former life.  It is a life of the past, yet I feel compelled to not keep the silence anymore.  Leslie says in her talk, "this is your story," and she urges women (and men) victims of domestic violence to end the silence.  That is the reason I, Lisa Solomon, have the courage and guts to talk about it today.  

I was able to leave the man whose vows were "I will always be good to you and your family."  I was able to get out of the sadistic abuse, words and psychological beating.  I realized that the man I loved so much was never going to stop his pattern.  His "I'm sorry" and crying were not worthy of compassion.  So I get to break the silence now.  I get to tell everyone: police, neighbors, friends and family -- even total strangers.
 

Noise. Lots of noise. Loud. Like my head is going to explode. That's what revisiting what he did to me feels and sounds like.  It takes me to another (old) life.

It is easier to forget than to remember. 

The echoes of the yelling, the cussing, and how I had to go into a coma with my mind to protect my soul takes me to another place.  The recollections my mother who lived with my abusive husband and me still astounds today.  My mother has written recollections of my own memoir.  I'm able to talk matter of factly about it today.  When she talks about how he threw me against a wall and how he yelled at me and called me c***, wh***, b**** with his nasty frown and tone... I think to myself how did I let myself let someone do that to me?  We all tried to brush it under the carpet.  On the occasions that I talk about it with her, I begin to remember and cry.  How could I put anyone else through this?  She is my mother and she hurt, too.  I respond with, "Mom, I tried blacking that out of my head.  I can't believe you remember that he threw me against the wall."  I honestly, didn't even know you were there watching.  I often thought no one was watching.  But they were.  I have letter after letter of support by those who have helped me come forward.  And many of the abusive instances by my husband were at our work place (we owned a business together) ... where our employees watched. 

I remember curling up in a ball in the corner of my bathroom shower to comfort myself as I cried out to God “What am I going to do? When is this going to end? “

And the truth is, there are pretty much only two ways it ends. The first is unthinkable.  The other is when you make the choice to walk away from that which does not work.

And the pain and hurt becomes like cancer if you do not change your life.

 I will share her ending points of the TED Talk, because it hits home for me, too:

We tend to stereotype victims as self-destructive women (perhaps they are) damaged goods.  The question Why did she stay? is code for some people for “it’s her fault for staying.  As if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying us.  

She talks about learning valuable life lessons, rebuilding joyous happy lives, completely free of violence.  So if you are in an abusive situation, I hope you know there are more people like you out there. 

Visualize these words circling around your life daily: 

• If I leave my marriage, I will have to leave the home (because he always said he wouldn't leave and in California you can't make the other spouse leave, you are both entitled to live in the home.
• If I call 911, he will hurt me more
• If I leave, he will give me nothing financially (as were often the threats):
• "My family has more money than you, Lisa, and they will help to destroy you." or
• "You know I will always take care of you, but not if you leave me." or
• "You will have to start over, Lisa.  I'm going to fuck with your certainty if you leave."  or
• "You will lose the company without me running it.  I'm a mortgage broker and you need my name to run it." or
• "I will ruin you." or
• "You will be sorry.  I will tell your family about your personal secrets." or
• Simply threaten you with words or actions.

Is there life after this?  Yes, there is.  I won't lie and say it has been easy. Starting over to make it, to leave this man, be forced to leave a company I built and the overwhelming obstacles of the first few years, well that is another story in itself.   

I often say you are a product of the messages around you.    I'm so glad, today, that I had the courage to leave and the messages today are beautiful. We practice that at home and at work.  It is the reason people are drawn, for it is peace in the making.

 When I'm able to live in the present and build and rebuild my future, as I do daily, that is when I'm at ease.  Clarity only comes when I separate my past life with today and tomorrow. 

It turns out, Like Leslie Morgan Steiner says, "I'm a typical domestic violence victim and survivor."  I have met a kind, attentive man.  He may not understand that role I had to undertake, but he is supportive.  I, too, will never - ever have loaded awful and degrading words or abuse thrown at me … by someone who says he loves me. 

There are several people who were abused as children, are abusers themselves or are in it now.  This could be affecting your daughter, sister or children right now.  I advocate for you to break the silence of abuse.  You cannot imagine the relief you will have.

  

*Name changed intentionally.